Actual essay written by a college applicant

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This is an actual essay written by a college applicant when applying to NYU where he now attends br br 3A ESSAY IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU THE APPLICANT BETTER WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION br br ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON br br I am a dynamic figure often seen scaling walls and crushing ice I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks making them more efficient in the area of heat retention I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees I write award-winning operas I manage time efficiently Occasionally I tread water for three days in a row br br I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes I am an expert in stucco a veteran in love and an outlaw in Peru br br Using only a hoe and a large glass of water I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants I play bluegrass cello I was scouted by the Mets I am the subject of numerous documentaries When I m bored I build large suspension bridges in my yard I enjoy urban hang gliding On Wednesdays after school I repair electrical appliances free of charge br br I am an abstract artist a concrete analyst and a ruthless bookie Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear I don t perspire I am a private citizen yet I receive fan mail I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration I bat 400 My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles Children trust me br br I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy I once read Paradise Lost Moby Dick and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket I have performed several covert operations for the CIA I sleep once a week when I do sleep I sleep in a chair While on vacation in Canada I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery The laws of physics do not apply to me br br I balance I weave I dodge I frolic and my bills are all paid On weekends to let off steam I participate in full-contact origami Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven I breed prizewinning clams I have won bullfights in San Juan cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka and spelling bees at the Kremlin I have played Hamlet I have performed open-heart surgery and I have spoken with Elvis br br But I have not yet gone to college

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